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Gordon Accidentally Jumped Out Of An Airplane Without A Chute

As soon as the last jumper went out Gordon jumped. He thought he’d free fall for a while. He wanted to be the last to land so he didn’t want to free fall too far. When he approached the last of the jumpers he reached to pull his cord and couldn’t find it. He quickly reached to pull his emergency chute. He wasn’t wearing it. He wasn’t wearing any chute. He was up chute creek.

He wasn’t too concerned. He’d jumped before without a chute. He hadn’t jumped before without a chute with out planning it. He wasn’t worried because the method was the same. Guide himself over to someone who was using a chute and ride down with him or her.

He got next to Harmon Gleckyl. Harmon was a good friend. He then drifted in and grabbed Harmon’s leg. Harmon looked down and yelled for Gordon to let go. Gordon pointed to the fact that he wasn’t wearing a chute. Harmon kicked him in the face and Gordon promptly fell away. Oh, Harmon.

The ground was approaching faster than Gordon had ever seen it. He remembered what his instructor had told him.

“The terminal velocity of a falling human being with arms and legs outstretched is about 120 miles per hour (192 km per hour) — slower than a lead balloon, but a good deal faster than a feather! The terminal velocity of a falling body occurs during free fall when a falling body experiences zero acceleration.”

Well, it would take a while for him to reach terminal velocity. He felt better until he realized terminal also meant the end of the falling and the beginning of the thumping, bouncing and fatal end of the jump. He looked around for a big haystack to try for. It may not help but hitting the ground wasn’t going to work at all. There had been people survive but Gordon wasn’t betting he’d be one of them. Plan! He needed a plan.

He didn’t have a lot of options and not a lot of time to consider them. Actually he didn’t have any options and almost no time. He was going to hit the ground. He was going to die. He closed his eyes and prayed.


He felt himself hit and roll over. He reached out and grabbed something. He didn’t understand it. He was dead and yet he felt hitting the ground. He had instinctively reached out and had grabbed something. What the Hell? No, not Hell, Holy Something Else. He opened his eyes and saw he was still in the sky. He was holding onto a landing gear. He looked up and could see the underside of a small plane. No, this wasn’t possible. If it was he was going to buy every lottery ticket he could. He felt like the luckiest man in the world, dismissing the fact that he had jumped out of an airplane with no chute and no plan.


Casey McCasey felt something hit his plane and then felt the plane bank to the right. He knew he had cleared the jumpers. He took a quick lean over and looked at the wing. It looked okay except for the legs sticking out below it. That was causing the plane to bank. O’Casey quickly banked to the left to equalize this . Then he thought about the legs. What did I hit? Who did I hit? How? I know I was clear of the jumpers. Crap.

He decided to bank hard left to see the wing better. There’s a man hanging on to the struts. There’s the problem. What the hell was this? The man was waving at him and McCasey waved back before he realized the absurdity of the situation. He knew he couldn’t land with that guy hanging on to the wing. He’d crash his plane. It wasn’t paid for yet. He made a logical decision. The guy had to get off the wing. He couldn’t very well climb into the plane so he had to be thrown off somehow. He simply had to go.

McCasey started to do some turns, height adjustments and a total flip. He banked hard left to see the guy still holding on. He started looking for a electrical pole. It would take some good flying to clear the wire while knocking this guy off. Better yet, a cell tower. He could fly at ninety degrees and knock the unlucky dude off without harm to his plane. He felt bad for the guy but life’s a bitch. For this guy, a real, total bitch.


Gordon was holding on for dear life. He couldn’t understand what this pilot was doing. He must be drunk or a bad flier. Gordon also didn’t know what good he was doing holding on. The plane couldn’t land with him under the wing and he knew he couldn’t get on top even if there was anything to hold on to. He wasn’t about to let go though. He soon realized this flier was trying to shake him off. Well, Gordon didn’t see any advantage to him with that and gripped the strut even tighter.


McCasey looked to see that his fuel was getting low. He figured he’d have to land with this guy hanging on. He might not crash. He hoped killing this dummy wouldn’t raise his insurance. Maybe he could sue this guy’s family unless he was charged with manslaughter. Maybe he could claim he hit a cow when he landed. There wouldn’t be much difference between a pile of cow mess and a man’s remains after that kind of landing. No one- nah, the coroner would probably be able to tell the difference.


Gordon looked at the pilot when he tried to fling him off with steep left bank. The pilot flipped him the finger. Gordon flipped the pilot a double finger.


Oh, shouldn’t have done that.


 

My Supposed Good Health Was A Lie Right From The Start

bats

I’ve been living under the illusion that health and injury were one and the same. Now, living under an illusion is nothing unusual for me. What’s unusual is figuring out that I’m doing it. I’m a good one to lie to myself. If you can’t lie well to yourself you can’t lie well to others. Memorize that. Not that I ever do that. I have missed very little work in my lifetime. Well, of course my lifetime. I have suffered very few injuries so I thought I was healthy as a horse.

Granted, I once had a job that put my fingers a quarter-inch from a sanding belt going fourteen- hundred RPM’s. It was very touchy at best. As matter of fact, touching would cut a finger off. I never did that but I was on a first name basis with the ER nurses. I used to tell the new interns how to stitch my fingers.

“Hey, I’m a doctor.”

“Umm, Doctor, he does know more about stitching than you do. I’m surprised he doesn’t do his own. Probably comes here to take a break from work.”


I always said I was as healthy as a horse. Well, that can’t be true. For openers, I have no way of knowing if a horse is healthy. I’m not a vet and I’m afraid of horses. A horse could be on its last legs and I wouldn’t know it until it fell on me. Then we’d both be unhealthy. The horse wouldn’t care since a horse only lays down to birth and die. If it fell on me, I’d be dead. See, I don’t birth.

I’ve been deaf in one ear since childhood. Also, I have been partially deaf in the other ear too. That has led to a whole range of problems. For instance, I didn’t know I was deaf until I was eight or nine. Prior to that I thought other people were stupid. Later I thought people were stupid for other reasons. I don’t always hear what you said as opposed to what I think you said. I have only 80 per cent word comprehension. That’s pretty bad although not always.

Yes, sometimes I’ve made huge mistakes in not hearing what you said but I’ve also gotten out of much trouble by pleading just that. Some people, like the missus, claim I hear what I want to hear. I deny that even when it’s true.

I kept getting ear infections. They’d go away or I’d get penicillin to cure it. I did that right until the day I lost my taste buds. Then the right side of my face started drooping. Uh, oh. Thespecialist saidthe infections had dug a tunnel from the ear canal to the skull. He needed to go in and fix it. Turns out, itwent through the skull and was on the brain membrane. He had to call in a brain specialist to help. People were told, stories came out and now people I know say I had to have brain surgery. They said it didn’t work.

Bastards.


I was born crossed-eyed. I’m talking one eye looking ahead and one looking at the other. I could see two bats and claim there were an entire flock or a herd of them or whatever they fly as. I actually did that once. I went screaming to my mother. She told me to go back out and don’t bother her unless they were vampire bats.

“Vampire bats? How would I know if they were vampire bats?”

“By the foam on their mouths.”

“How would I see that?”

“When they bite you.”

Mom was a real pip.


I had my gallbladder go bad. I was told by the doctor he needed to remove it. I thought, Do I need to have it removed? To Hell with his quota. He said it wouldn’t go away on its own. There were stones in the gall bladder trying to pass out and that was causing the pain. Sometimes they would get out and the pain would stop. Sometimes they would drop back in and the pain would stop. Either way, the pain stopped. He told me it was like being kicked in the crunchies. I had grave doubts about that.

Until...

Yea, well, be that as it may I wasn’t going to get cut when I didn’t have to. Well, the day came when I was in so much pain I couldn’t make my own decisions. That’s the story my wife tells me anyway.

The doctor came out and told my wife the gall bladder had become gangrenous and I was lucky to be alive. He said I needed adult supervision. She told him, “Yea? You try it.”

My wife’s a pip too.


Then there was a previously told heart surgery. You don’t want to hear a heart specialist say, “Uh, oh.” You don’t want to hear, ‘that’s it. I can’t go any farther.’ You really don’t want to hear, ‘I need to get a surgeon to do this.’ ”

Five blockages. A claim I had recently had a heart attack. Well, I did what was needed and,umm, I didn’t do my own surgery. A doctor did do that. I allowed it. I also paid for it.


I have sleep apnea and narcolepsy. I can sleep anytime. I don’t have it so much that I just doze off at any time. I can doze off at will. If I’m bored or if I’m not interested in what I;, not hearing. I’ve been in trouble a few times for that. Yet, at the same time, I have sleep apnea. The tests shows I stop breathing every 40 seconds. Then the brain wakes me up to take a breath ad nauseam. I have to use an air machine to stay asleep.

Maybe I’m the pip.



35 years ago I spent a fortune to get caps. I wanted to be a pretty boy.No sense in sayingotherwise. Everybody on the social network sees it. I liked to shine. Well, they’ve held up pretty good over the years.

I was sitting there eating a salami sandwich with my puppy. She’s good at not stealing from me. I took a bite of my sandwich and it didn’t feel right. I looked at the sandwich but it looked right, I also looked at some teeth. What!

My dog grabbed them and took off. I guess her reasoning was they weren’t food so she was allowed to take them. I chased her down the hall to the bedroom. She crawled under the bed. It’s something she can do but I can’t. I called her nicely; I called her harshly. I got stick to use when my wife came in.

“What do you think you’re going to do with that stick?”

“I’m going to get my teeth back from Sadie.”

“You’re going to what?”

“Teeth. Going to get my teeth. She stole them from me.”

“You’re teeth? That’s what you’re telling me?”

I thought about it. It did sound stupid. Uh! I grinned at her to show the missing teeth, er, caps. She then asked how the dog stole the teeth out of my mouth. What? I finally got it straightened out while she got the teeth back.

I went to the dentist. He knew why I was there but his assistant didn’t. She asked why I was so glum. I told her,”I’ve got my teeth in a bag. I’m not happy.”

I ended up with a three tooth plate. It’s a perfect match so I’m still a pretty boy. You can look it up.


I used to smoke. I smoked for 50 years. After a couple of years my pulmonary doctor asked if I’d like to try a new CT scan procedure to test for cancer very early. Hell, yes. Turns out I don’t even have a scar from all that smoking.

I went back for my med check. He asked if I'd like to be a part of a study and get another free scan. Free! Yes, count me in. I went across the hall to talk to the study specialist.

“This won’t cost you anything. You have to fill out this form and agree to allow us to use the info and so on. Oh, we need to take some blood samples from time to time. We’ll pay you 50 dollars each time.

So, here I am. I’m doing what I said I’d never do. I’d starve before I’d do this.

I’m selling my blood.






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