The Rob Saga
Q Street Publishing
Also by Don Roble
This a tale from Robin Hood and the Merrymen. It's not quite like the others. Rob isn't very good at being a Merryman but he tries hard.
All the usual chacters are here- Robin Hood, Maid Marian, the Sheriff of Nottingham, Little John, Will Scarlet, Alan-A-Dale, Gilbert Whitehand and, of course, Friar Tuck.
Chapter 1 — Rob Gets All Worked Up Over Maid Marian And Does Something Stupid.
Robin Hood was taking his spring bath in the river when he saw what looked to him like an unusually large turd floating past. It actually looked like a small tree branch floating by but it smelled like a turd. He jumped out of the river and screamed, “Rob!” He had told Rob time and time again not to take a crap upstream. He also told him to try to stay downwind as much as possible. It seems Rob had a flatulence problem. He also seemed to have some sort of a hearing problem. He seemed to hear but then do something else. mayhaps, Robin thought, just mayhaps he could hear better if he had no ears. He’d have to think about that one.
Robin Hood did rob from the rich and give to the poor. He robbed from the rich since they had all the money. What could he rob from the poor? He gave a lot to the poor. He figured out that they wouldn’t give his hiding place away if they were getting a cut. What he didn’t do was give a large part of his takings to the poor. He felt since he took the money, he should be allowed to live well.
His Merrymen felt the same way. They felt that doing all the work of planning and carrying out the robberies entitled them to most of the takings. Having to live the forest life was worth something although, truth be told, it was better than the serf’s life they had been living. More truth be told, they didn’t do much other than steal. The camp was a disgrace; even a serf wouldn’t live there. The goats had to kept in place but the pigs roamed freely. They knew home when they were in it.
When Robin Hood got back to the camp he called for Rob.
He preferred not to speak to, hear from or see Rob most of the time. When Rob came over he looked clean and so did his clothes. Robin Hood had to ask, “Rob, where did thou get thy clothes? Ye usually wear some raggedy old garbage ye stole o’ a scarecrow. I hope ye didn’t steal from one of the other men. They do not like ye and would dearly love an excuse to, mayhaps, kill ye. Nay, there is no mayhaps about it. They would like to kill ye. They do not like thee much. Ye are not a likeable man to say the least.”
Rob didn’t believe he wasn’t liked. He was funny, smart and brave. He thought Robin Hood was trying to put him in his place. Robin wanted the Merrymen to always know who was boss. There was nothing unlikeable about himself. Rob told him he had gotten the clothes after he robbed a rich merchant on the road. The clothes were a little baggy but, then, so was his body. Robin Hood asked why he was all dressed up when he had no place to go.
Rob said, “Be beggin’ ye pardon, I ‘ave a ‘ot date tonight if ye must know.” Rob was thinking that Robin Hood was pretty nosy. No reason for it except to let him know who was the boss.
“I’m Robin Hood. I always need to know. Nothing ‘appens ‘ere without my knowing. That’s the rule, got it? Who, pray tell, would be seen with the likes of ye. There are no professional women in camp right now. Nothing personal, just the way it is, or rather, ye are.”
“Why, it be that woman tied to that tree over there.”
Robin Hood glanced over to see a woman from the village tied to a tree. He wondered what Rob intended since untying her would be like untying a storm. This woman could, and would, beat the living daylights out of Rob if let free.
“Rob, we ‘ave spoken of thus many a time. Ye can’t just kidnap a woman and try to woo ‘er! It doesn’t work and makes ye out to be a cad, sir. I always end up apologizing to some husband or father. It’s an embarrassment, to tell ye the truth.”
“Alright, I’ll let her go. Seems we ought to ‘ave extra women ‘ere.” By that Rob meant one extra free woman. One extra easy woman.
Later that night Rob was standing back away from the party that Robin Hood and his Merry Men- and women- were having. They were all drinking mead and feasting and drinking mead and dancing and drinking mead and going into the bushes. Into the bushes. Rob thought about that and got a reaction. For one moment, one horrible, shameful moment, he wondered if anyone was watching the goat shed. A goat isn’t a woman but neither was his hand. They both smell the same as well.
“I say, lad-” This startled Rob to the point he fell flat on his butt. Little John reached a hand down to help him up and couldn’t help but notice that Rob was reacting to something other than being startled. It was a somewhat big reaction. Little John didn’t know whether to laugh in derision or cry in derision. He thought Rob was a bit pathetic as well as unsavory. Certainly, he wouldn’t trust him around his daughter, if he had pone.
“ ‘ere, ‘ere, lad, I didn’t not mean to startle ye so. I say, old boy, did I interrupt something or are ye hiding a ham in yer britches? If ye are ye could have put that small thing- well, lad, umm. Well, hmm- .” Little John looked at the goat shed and wondered if the lad was thinking of going in there. Rob could be a little odd, mayhaps a pervert, or just desperate. Little John, when younger had a relationship with a cow. He wasn’t going to judge the lad too severely. He was going to judge the lad though. Little John was not only a big man but was a hypocrite on top of it.
“Mm, uh, no, umm, I, uh-” Did Little John suspect? More importantly, would he say anything to anyone? The Merrymen loved to make sport of Rob and did it far too often in Rob’s opinion. Of course, Rob’s opinion meant little to nothing to the band.
“Never ye mind. Robin ‘ood sent me to find ye. He wants to speak to ye. ‘e does not like to be kept waiting, especially when Maid Marion is ‘ere.”
“Me? He never wants to talk to me unless there’s trouble with something I said or did.” That was a regular occurrence.
“Too true, lad, too true. I do not believe that Master Robin likes ye all that much. This bloody muff-up with Alan-A-Dale pissed ‘im off. I thought Alan-A-Dale would kill ye when ye asked if he and his ‘lady of the night’ were ‘aving a good time. Good thing Friar Tuck-”
“I meant ‘lady of the evening’. I slipped up.” Rob still got a bit shaky thinking of that. He seemed to say the wrong thing far to often.
“Ye bloody well did. He smashed ‘is lute on ye ‘ead. Enough! Robin ‘ood wants to see ye. Let us make ‘aste. pip-pip and all that good stuff. He would like to spend some, er, time with Maid Marion. Maiden, my arse. She hasn’t been a maiden since she was ten years old or do I hear. Don’t go repeating that to anyone. Let us move swiftly to him, avoiding Alan-A-Dale.” Alan-A-Dale had only one enemy and it was Rob.
Alan-A-Dale was singing to Scarlett Scarlet, Will Scarlet’s sister. She was a fresh young beauty, as fresh as a newly picked peach. She was just a creamy and that’s what she wanted Alan-A-Dale to do to her. Alan -A-Dale would have loved to put a move on her but he was scared of Will, the best swordsman in the band. He’d kill Alan-A-Dale if he so much as laid a hand on his sister much less actually laid her.
Scarlett was reasonably impressed by the troubadour. His voice was pleasing and his songs were romantic. She felt herself getting a little wet. She wondered why Alan-A-Dale didn’t take her out into the bushes, strip her down and lay her down. Scarlett was no shy maiden. She was getting a little too old to be playing that game. A few more years and she would be one more whore hanging around to be used and discarded. Was he one of those sissy boys?
As they approach Robin Hood, Rob notices Gay dePoof with a woman. He looks at Little John and says to him,“That’s the end. It is. ‘im? Not me? Kill me. Put me free of my misery.”
“Nay, Gay dePoof is only trying it to see what the bloody fuss is about. I see where thou doth come from, though. Bloody waste of a ripe woman. Now, let us be seeing Robin ‘ood, my good man.” Little John wouldn’t have minded killing Rob though. That would put the Merrymen out of their misery as well as most of the women. Little John was gentle by nature but something about Rob brought out homicidal tendencies in him.
Robin Hood was sitting with the beautiful Maid Marian as they approached. Robin Hood stood up and told Little John to have a seat. Robin Hood didn’t like Little John standing and making him look small. Even seated Little John could look most men in the eye at an angle. Robin Hood didn’t invite Rob to sit. “I say, Rob, I ‘ave a quest for ye. Not for me exactly so much as for Maid Marion.”
Rob looked Maid Marian and would have sworn she winked at him. Him! He fell in love with her on the spot. He had always had a soft spot, and a hard one, for her. He would do anything for her. He would die for her. Of course, if he ever made a move on her he would die. Robin Hood would see to that.
Maid Marian was stunning. She had long, blond hair and pouty lips. Her eyes were as green as the glen. Her breasts were very large. melon-like and, with the low cut of her dress, stood out like beacons in the night. She looked at Rob and drew her chest up to show her breasts at their best. Her breast at their best was quite a sight.
Rob almost lost control of his excitement. He quickly took his cap off and laid it on his lap. Everyone knew why he did that but everyone pretended they didn’t. Maid Marian glanced at the cap and winked at Rob again!
“I want ye to go to the Land Of Enchantment and-”
“Are ye bloody mad, Robin? No man ‘as gone there and returned. I’ll not be the first. Want ye like to know why? Because I will not try. I’ll stay ‘ere and rob the rich and do what you ask but I’ll not go to the Land of Enchantment. There.” This woman may have Robin Hood wrapped around her little finger but he wasn’t Robin Hood. She’d have to wrap her legs around his head before- wait, that’s not right.
“I say, Rob, when ye does speak to me ye should address me as Master ‘ood. Ye are a bit cheeky to call me Robin, me being the head of the band of Merrymen and all.” Robin Hood often wondered how it was that Rob was in his band of Merrymen. Seemed to involve a drunken feast of some kind.
“Oh, Rob, thou dost break my heart. I so thought thou was the one man I could depend on for ‘elp”, Maid Marian said, pulling a curl of her hair across her lips and smiling at Rob.
“Well, I could go if it be important to thee.” Oh, crap! Now he had gone and done it. Marian was by far the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She filled many of his dreams, some while awake and sometimes waking him from a sound sleep and adding to he excitement of the moment. She certainly didn’t look like any of the goats.
“Good show, my good man, bloody good show. Now, be forewarned that ye may well come upon The Lady of the Lake. Take care, Rob. Do not take, or try to take, liberties with ‘er. If ye do she will rip ye gonads off and give them to ‘er dogs to play with.” Robin Hood wanted Rob to be aware of the danger he faced. He wanted him to worry about it.
“Oh, tish and tosh. I ‘ave yet to meet a woman I could not ‘andle. I-”
“Ye ‘as confidence ye should not ‘ave. Not if ‘istory be believed”, Little John said.
“I ‘ave great confidence in ye, Little John. With ye at my side-”
“Me? I shan’t be with thee. I wouldn’t go for all the gold in the world. I am not ye.” Rob must be goofy to think Little John was going there.
“Okay, I’ll go.” He made that decision like all his decisions- with little or no thought. He hoped his luck held out.
“Good show, lad! Bloody good show! They will sing great ballads of ye. Alan-A-Dale will make ye famous. Well, mayhaps not Alan_A-Dale. He does not like thee. Ye needs be careful to stay away from ‘im for a time.”
“Little John, show Rob the star he must follow to the Land of Enchantment.” With that Robin Hood turned his attentions back to the beautiful Maid Marion. He put Rob completely out of his mind.
As Rob and Little John left Robin Hood, Little John suggested they go over to the glen. It would be easier to point out the right star that way. As they walked along, Little John told Rob his quest was foolish. “Ye seem to think if ye return the trinket to Maid Marion, she will reward ye by giving ye a little bit. Nonsense. The Lady wouldn’t give ye a good sniff.”
Rob didn’t believe that but he did believe Little John might crush his spleen if he disagreed. Little John did say that if his quest wasn’t successful that Alan-A-Dale would write a great ballad about it. That was something at least.
“I think Alan-A-Dale doth not care for me. It’s hard to believe he’d write a ballad about me, Little John.”
“Nay. Lad, Alan-A-Dale doth not like ye alive. Dead, he would love thee. Another thing. Lad, ye need to watch ye step.”
“Oh. I Know that. I-”
“Ye does not seem to know it at all. For instance, do ye know ye are standing in a pile of goat shit? I think not, lad. Even ye are not that perverse.”
Rob looked down because he didn’t know it. Sure enough, his right foot was ankle deep in a large pile of loose goat shit. He immediately pulled his foot free. That was all fine and well except his foot came out of the boot and he stepped right back into the goat shit, slipping and sliding, falling on his back and ending up with a goat-shit pillow.
Little John told him he’d “not be ‘elping him up.”
Rob, not thinking, reached out to push himself up getting goat shit right up to the elbows. He slipped and fell face-first in the pile. He managed to get to his feet with shit dripping off his arm and off his head down his back both inside and outside his shirt. He was also wearing a shit-beard.
Rob was miserable now. Little John told him he’d best get on with his quest rather than go back to camp and give Alan-A-Dale something new to sing about. He’d be sure to run into a creek to clean up. Rob agreed. The last thing Rob was going to do was return to camp covered in shit and be made the butt of jokes.
Little John pointed out the star he was to follow.“Follow it and ye will reach the land of enchantment. Nay, follow it and ye will be going in the right direction. Whether thee reach the Land of Enchantment is another matter indeed.” That was as much confidence as Little John had in Rob.
Rob looked at the star and said to Little John, “That one?”
Little John cuffed Rob along side his head and told him, “No. Pay attention. It’s the one next to it.”
“Okay, I see it now. Thank ye for-”
Little John was gone.
Rob started off on his quest, hoping to find a creek soon.
The Rob Saga is available as an ebook and in paperback.. It is available at Createspace andAmazon.