The Old Man’s Balls
The old man went to his family doctor. He told the doctor he was chaffed from his crotch to his knees. He said it was really bothering him. The doctor told him that was understandable. He told him to drop his pants. “I mean your underwear too.”
The old man shot the doctor a funny look as he dropped his drawers. The doctor checked his thighs. He moved his balls to one side to another. The old man was starting to get ideas about his doctor and they weren’t very good ones. “I said I was chaffed on my thighs. I’m fine in my balls.”
“I know. I’m a doctor. I have to move your testicles to see your thighs.” The doctor thought he was getting too old for this shit. The old coot hung down to his knees.
“Oh, okay then.” It wasn’t okay but he was in no position to argue with the doctor. Position? Hell of a thing to think of here and now.
The doctor finished his exam and stepped back. He looked at the old man. “The problem is chaffing alright.”
“Fine. Can I get some salve for it?”
“Umm, no. The problem won’t be solved that way. Let’s face it, your testicles have dropped to your knees. It happens in old men,”the doctor told him.
“Okay, what do I do about it?” The old man didn’t like being called an old man but he knew he was an old man.
“Well, you could tape them up to your crotch. That would work.” The doctor had to stifle a laugh when he said that.
“Jesus, doc, that seems like a lot of work. Tape comes loose.” The old man didn’t get the joke
“Well, there is one other thing. We could cut them off. Well, not me or you. I don’t think you should be cutting anything off. I don’t cut balls off. I could send you to another doctor for that.”
“Cut my balls off? Are you crazy. I ain’t cutting my nuts off. You’re crazy!” It was the thought that ,mattered here. He had no use for them but...
“I”m not the one complaining about chaffing, either.”
“Well, yea, but my balls?” The old man had to admit that one but he still wasn’t cutting his nuts off.
“It’s always your choice. Go home, tape them up and get back to me.”
“Yea, I’ll get back to you.”
The Mortician’s Assistant
Jimmy took the job as the Mortician Assistant knowing that one thing we would always have is dead people. Most families wanted to see the bodies before they went six-feet under. Since everyone dies, the job had a great future. He believed that few people wanted to work with the dead. He also knew he would make more money than a lot of people with BA's and BS’s. He never thought he could make it through a four year college. He also didn’t want to have to pay off the student loans.
George Hill, the Mortician knew that fewer and fewer people wanted a career in the field.
They all wanted to be in some useless career that amounted to nothing. He had to take what he could get and get as cheaply as possible. That’s why Jimmy was doing his internship after his two year Associate degree. He was making a lot more than his friends. Jimmy didn’t do too bad and asked a lot of questions.
“Jimmy, take the hearse to the hospital at 3am. And pick up Kate Davers,” George said.
“Jimmy, she’s dead. We are going to have the viewing here. We need the body. Also, I told you to do it.” This was not a good start.
“I know that. I don’t want trouble with you. I just wanted to know why 3 am. If he’s dead, what difference does it make when I pick her up? Oh, crap! She isn’t going to smell bad if we wait is she? Oh, Man.” Jimmy had a sensitive gag reflex. This job might not turn out well.
“No, the hospital has a rule. It’s 3 a.m. for pick up. I was once told it was break time for the third shift. They didn’t want a hearse there when their were visitors. It was a bad image.” George thought that was a good idea. His grandfather went when he wanted. That was changed when patient visitors started asking who the hearse was for.
Jimmy went to the hospital to get Kate Davers. It took a while to find someone who knew what he was there to. The Jimmy was told that no one knew where he was.
“Well, she has to be here someplace. She didn’t walk out, that’s for sure. She’s dead.”
“I know she’s dead. Did you know that?” Jimmy was a little disgusted with this guy, Why did he think Jimmy wanted the body? The organs were unusable this after this time, if the organs were still there.
“Of course I knew that,” the attendant said.
“So, where is she?” Now, there's the question.
“I don’t really know. Have you looked in the Dead Room?”
‟I just got here. You saw me come in. I have no intention of looking for him That’s your job to know where she is”
“Okay, okay. You know he isn’t ain’t roaming among anymore,”
Eventually Jimmy got the body back to the mortuary. He removed all the street clothes never to be seen again. He replaced them with a gown, also never to be seen again He had to admire the gal's boobs but there was work to be done. Jimmy turned to get his tools when Kate Davers sat up, farted and belched. It wasn't unusual but they never covered that in class.
The Rob Saga Available as an epub and paperback. It is available at Amazon.
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Appalachia Again Available as an epub and paperback. It is available at Amazon.