Paperback compilation of the four Commuter books
Commuter Read e-books.
Funny Stuff To Read OnThe Commuter Bus, Train, Plane, HOV Lane.
Man, Cats and Dogs
Man has always had an ambivalent relationship with cats and dogs. On the one hand, he is deathly and justifiable afraid of mastiffs, pit bulls, lions and tigers. No question, no argument. On the other hand, he is not afraid of cats or chihuahua’s even though he should be given his history with them.
Man sees the kitty and hates it on sight. It’s a guy thing. He sees the kitty’s owner and she’s a babe. Naturally, he acts as if he loves cats. He reaches down to pet the cat. The cat has no feelings about the man at all. Still, the man suffers twenty scratches before he can get back up. The cat’s owner, the babe, calls the cat naughty, as if the cat cares. The cat drew blood. The cat cares about that.
The man sees the chihuahua. It looks like one of those squeaky toys. Sound like it too. At least this dog is harmless. The man reaches down to pet this dog and comes back up with a chihuahua attached to his hand. He shakes the dog off. Then he feels s pain in his ankle. The dog is chewing away. He lifts his foot to shake the dog off and feels another pain in the other ankle. Chihuahua’s only come in pairs.
OK, that’s the bad kitty’s and doggies. There are good ones. The kitty that purrs and rubs against your leg; the dog that brings your slippers to you. The cat that guards the house from rats; the dog that guards the house from burglars. You have never owned one of those but you’ve heard of them. What you’ve heard is a pack of lies.
Your dog pisses on the floor, sleeps on the couch, steals from the table and barks at everything that moves or makes a noise. He won’t do anything if someone breaks in. He’s a watch dog, not a guard dog. He expects the same treat though. Your kitty scratches the furniture, scratches the wall, scratches you. It kicks litter all over the floor. It only eats that premium brand cat food. Jeez, the dog will eat anything, including the cat litter, and, then, beg for more.
You become a pet owner and soon find out that when a pet gets sick so does your bank account. Why are vets more expensive than people doctors? One vet explained it this way, “Most people don’t bite or scratch their doctor. Most people can tell their doctor what’s wrong even if they are lying to get sympathy. Most people don’t have to be muzzled.”
Cats, being what they are, hide being sick. The way you find out a cat is sick is by the vomit in your shoe. Try taking a cat to the vet. Try taking a cat anyplace. Then take yourself to the emergency room for stitches.
“What happened to you?”
“I tried to take my cat to the vet.”
“We don’t do psychiatric evaluations here.”
There are cats that have made good pets. No, I’m lying to you. There has never been a cat that made a good pet. At best, cats tolerate you. At worst, remember the emergency room?
Boxers are ugly dogs. They’d be ugly no matter what they were. They just happen to be dogs. They get all excited when you get home and come running up to you. Nice, huh? Sure, if you like being slobbered on. Nice, if you like having a dog pee on your shoe. Nice, if you like wearing a disguise while walking your dog so your neighbors won’t recognize you.
Cats are arrogant, temperamental, aggravating, spiteful, offish, persnickety, ornery, disobedient, and unloving. No, that’s not their good side. Cats don’t have a good side. Both sides, the middle, the top and bottom, you name it. It’s all bad. Trust me on this one.
At least cats have the saving grace of keeping the place rat free. That explains why the slums are overridden by cats and rats. The cats like to play with rats. They like to hunt them down and corner them like , uh, rats. What they don’t like to do is kill them. Cats only kill what they eat and they don’t eat rats. Guess you have to give them that one. Eat a rat? I’d rather eat the cat and I have since I like Korean food.
Why do cats play with the critters they hunt? Why toy with them instead of just going ahead and killing them? Why? Because cats are inherently evil. Let’s not kid ourselves here. Cats are evil; the Devil’s spawn. If you don’t think so take a good, hard look at one. That’s pure evil and you know it. The Koreans may have the right idea. They eat dogs, too, so I don’t know what it means exactly. Oh, to hell with it.
Dog is man’s best friend. Sure, why not. The dog does nothing worthwhile. It sleeps, eats, craps, barks, and sleeps. That’s about it. In return for doing nothing, the dog gets food, shelter and no work. Heck, I’d be a best friend for that kind of deal.
Collies are very popular. They’re good with kids, good with sheep, and very pleasant. A lot of their reputation comes from Lassie, of course. Lassie was smart. Lassie was a star. Lassie had a bunch of movies and several tv shows. Her co-stars didn’t do as well.
June Lochart did OK, sort of. She was Ronnie Reagan’s wife before he became President. Great timing, June. She was on “Lost In Space”. That lasted two years. Maybe if the stupid robot had been a collie...
Some dogs are worth more than others. Picture the bad guy sneaking up on your place. He is armed with a laser-powered nuclear device. All you have is a mastiff. Scratch one bad guy. You won’t even find a fingerprint left of him.
St. Bernard’s. Big, but a gentle giant. Lost in an avalanche? Here comes the St.Bernard. He finds you; you give a sigh of relief. He digs you out and is carrying brandy to revive you. No, he sits there watching you freeze to death. Then, he drinks the brandy, the alky.
All together man and dogs and cats have had a seesaw relationship. Remember one thing: Dogs are stupid and cats don’t give a rat’s ass.
The Rob Saga is available as an ebook and in paperback. It is available at Createspace and Amazon.
There are people living on the edge in what is called Appalachia. They're called ridgerunners, rednecks, hillbillies and backwoods mountaineers. No one thinks of them very often. They don't earn much to society's standards.They stay where they are because they love the area. They are hard workers when they have work and self-sufficient to an extent not known to "outsiders." They are also very funny; they have a great sense of humor about themselves.
They are the salt of the earth and the backbone of America. Their stories are America's stories. These are the stories Of Appalachia.
Book is available as an e-book or in Paperback.
More stories of the people of Appalachia.
More of Joe Bob, Bubba and Earl, Mosh Henry and all of the rest of the good folks in Wabash County.
Book is available as an e-book or in Paperback.