Deep in the heart of Texas, where nothing grows except tumbleweeds, who themselves get out as fast as the wind blows, lives a man calling himself Tall Texas Tom. He says he has no last name.

" My daddy was a Texas Twister and my momma was The Plains herself ", he tells anyone who'll listen. A lot of people don't believe that story but a lot of people do. Tall Texas Tom makes his money by catching illegal aliens crossing the border. No, there's no reward for that. What Tall Texas Tom does is tell them, " It's pay me or get sent back. And none a that there funny money, neither. I want greenbacks."

Tall Texas Tom once got ten years for passing counterfeit money he got from one of the aliens. He looks real close now.

Tall Texas Tom carries a .38 in his pocket and a razor in his shoe. No, that was Leroy Brown, the late Leroy Brown. Tall Texas Tom carries a .45. He snorts that, "I ain't a gonna carry no sissy gun. No sir." The only time there was violence was when one of the Mexicans decided the gringo was stopping him from entering his ancestral home. He pulled out a 9mm. Tall Texas Tom thought, “Okay! This is just like the olden days”. Fifteen shots were fired and no one got hit..with a bullet. The Mexican threw his empty automatic and hit Tall Texas Tom in the head. The aliens all made it in.

Tall Texas Tom rode a bull once at a rodeo. The bull got a whiff of Tom and started heaving. The holders thought he was in a frisky mood and warned Tom.

“Heck be, I ain't a feared a no bull. Let her rip”.

The bull made a tremendous, one-time effort to throw Tom off and nearly succeeded. Then the bull did a side-step, wobbled a few steps and fell on it's side. Tom told the crew that, “Twren't much of a bull, ya ask me”.

Tall Texas Tom wears the biggest cowboy hat ever made. That's going some in Texas. He could put a lake in that hat. He could bathe in that hat if he bathed, which he doesn't.

" God musta wanted us to smell this a way, I reckon."

Perhaps that's why his romances only last just the one night, if the girl is drunk enough, or desperate enough. No, drunk enough.

Naturally, Tall Texas Tom rides a horse. No truck or car for him. It takes forever for him to get from here to there but he really isn't trying to get anywhere. He's been very successful at that part of his life.

" Tom ", his momma would ask him, " what do you want to be when you grow up?"

" Nuttin' "

Another successful vow fulfilled.

Tall Texas Tom was sitting at the bar at one of the local saloons telling a local bar bimbo, Tiny Texas Tina, that, "I'm so rough and tumble I et rattlesnake for breakfast."

Tiny Texas Tina drunkenly said to him, " So what? Lot a folk et rattlesnakes."

" I ets them while they still be rattlin'. "